Losing You
by relic yuy
Summary: Yumichika reveals the true nature of his sword in the worse possible way. Is it the beginning of the end for them? YumIkkaku. Updated, finally!
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: This story is not for Kira fans. I don't like him, nor do I have any sense of respect for the man and I have my reasons. I will gladly explain them should anyone want to know but for those who do like him, be warned that he is the antagonist in this story. I have tried my very best not to bash him and I intend to keep it that way. I don't feel I am being unjust to him, this is my honest impression of him. So be warned!!!

Reviews and criticism are welcome. Please back up your opinions if you would like for me to take the criticism seriously. This is my first attempt at a YumIkkaku fic so I'd much appreciate your thoughts. Thank you for reading!

Karakura town was safe for the time being. Aizen had retreated to Hueco Mundo and all the Shinigami, back to Soul Society. While everyone was still a bit on edge, there seemed to be an unspoken agreement that they would all pretend everything was back to normal. For the while, they would continue to train and better themselves but their lives seemed to remain relatively untouched by the recent battle.

All battle wounds were dealt with quickly and efficiently by the 4th Division. But even with their Captain back there were certain injuries that the 4th could not mend. Hinamori Momo put up a strong façade but it was clear to all those close to her that she was still as fragile as ever. Matsumoto Rangiku had turned to the sake bottles once again and was driving her Captain insane with her temperamental moods. Madarame Ikkaku had suffered a severe blow to his pride, not to mention his body and was more brooding than usual. By all appearances, Ayasegawa Yumichika was doing well but below the beautiful veneer a grudge was festering.

It was an odd occurrence for Yumichika to do any such thing, having always said that carrying grudges caused wrinkles and made the soul unbeautiful. And yet, this was one grudge he could not forgive nor despite his best efforts, forget. The resentment grew and grew until it turned into something ugly and dark, something the beautiful shinigami tried to cover with all his charm. Had Yumichika's performance been any less than flawless, anyone should have seen the confrontation coming. But Yumichika was well versed in the art of appearances so when the rumours and gossip began their rounds, it took everyone by surprise.

"Good evening, Yumichika," Kira said placidly one evening.

Kira had been on his way home and Yumichika was alone on guard duty this evening. Ikkaku was at home still recovering from his injuries. The air was cool that evening but it was nothing compared to the icy blast of angry reiatsu that washed over the blond man at his casual greeting.

"Unless you have Shinigami business to discuss with me," Yumichika whispered terrifyingly low, "never address me again."

With no further explanation, Yumichika turned on his heel and continued down the path. Taken aback, Kira could only blink in astonishment at Yumichika's retreating form. What had he done to deserve such a cold response? All he had done was to greet his friend. Why on earth would Yumichika be so angry with him? He would get to the bottom of this right away.

"Yumichika," He called out and was promptly ignored.

The insolence! Kira flash stepped to Yumichika and grabbed him by the elbow. The murderous reiatsu stabbed at his gut making him falter for a moment.

"Yumichika, what is going on?" Kira asked incredulously.

"I told you never to speak to me," Yumi's voice was cold as ice.

"I don't understand. Why are you so angry with me?"

"You aren't worth the energy it would take for me explain it," Yumi sneered.

"That's enough," Kira snapped, the Lieutenant in him finally kicking in. "You will speak to your superiors accordingly…"

He had barely managed to get the sentence out when he found himself landing heavily on the ground. His jaw ached and there was a gash on the inside of his cheek where the skin had torn open against his teeth. He raised a hand to cup his cheek tenderly. Across from him, Yumichika stood still as a statue and as rigid as board.

"You are _not_ my superior," Yumi stated, his hand still clenched in a fist. "Keep your filthy hands off of me."

"Yumichika, you attacked a Lieutenant! Are you aware of the punishment for such an act?"

"Stop hiding behind your title, Izuru. If you're angry, fight me like a man."

Pulling himself to his feet, Kira brushed himself off and maintained his composure.

"I have no need to fight you, Yumichika. I will look the other way this time and not report you. If you have some grudge against me, tell me what it is instead of pouting about it and lashing out like a child."

"Get over yourself, Izuru," Yumichika chuckled but there was no mirth in the sound. "I have no idea how you manage to look so snide and pathetic at the same time."

"Hold your tongue," Kira said as fiercely as he could manage.

"Or what? You'll tell on me? That would be very childish, Izuru."

"Enough, Yumichika! You're overstepping…"

"Save it, Kira. I won't listen to someone weaker than me. You think you can order me around because you hold the title of Lieutenant? The only reason you made it to that position is because Aizen saw the potential to manipulate you. How many captains have used you so far? Aizen, Ichimaru, oh and we can't forget Amagai. Really Kira, that snotty attitude of yours is completely unfounded. Do you think you're special because you're a minor noble? At least _I_ have beauty to be vain about."

"Yumichika," Kira said, his hand gripping his sword, "This is the last time I'm going to warn you."

"Then what? You'll attack me? Bring it, bitch," Yumi taunted, borrowing a saying he heard too often by the goons in his division.

"You leave me no other choice," Kira said. "I will take no pleasure in doing this but you need to be taught a lesson. Raise your head, Wabisuke!"

Yumichika dodged the first blow with ease. "Even your Zanpakutō is ugly," he scoffed.

_He insulted me_, Kira heard Wabisuke scream.

_He's just trying to get us riled up_, Kira countered, keeping his calm with an extraordinary effort. _Stay composed and we will defeat him easily. Watch his movements, there must be a way to incapacitate him without hurting him too much. _

_He insulted me! _Wabisuke was furious, _I want his head!_

_No, _Kira hissed, _Ikkaku would never forgive me. _He could almost feel Wabisuke's smirk but he pushed it out of his thoughts.

"Release your Zanpakutō, Yumichika," Kira demanded. "It wouldn't be right if I didn't at least give you a fighting chance."

"Bloom, Fuji Kujaku," Yumichika said with a secretive smirk.

Kira felt the rage build up in him. Such an insolent man! First he had insulted him, accused him of things that already weighed heavily on his shoulders, reopened wounds that had never really healed and now he was laughing at him! He wanted to wipe that smug grin off of Yumi's pretty face. No fifth seat would get away with speaking so rudely to his superior if Kira had anything to say about it.

"If you don't take this fight seriously, Yumichika, you may find it will be the last you see for a long time," Kira warned.

"I almost want to cover my eyes," Yumichika said. "Your eyes are even beadier when you're angry. You shouldn't wear so much product in your hair. It's as stiff as you are. It's very ugly. I wonder what Gin ever saw in you. Even as a puppet you're pathetic."

"Never say that name around me," Kira shrieked.

He charged forward sword crashing down several times in rapid succession. Yumichika dodged most of the blows but a few he had to block with Fuji Kujaku. Once, Yumichika barely noticed the difference, twice, still manageable, three times, getting heavier now, finally a forth. The now heavy blade thudded on the ground and Yumichika could not seem to lift it anymore. Satisfied, Kira backed off, his condescending sneer back in place.

"It was futile for a 5th seat to challenge a Lieutenant," Kira said, sheathing his sword. "Now you cannot deny that I am your superior. From now on, you will address me appropriately."

Yumichika's eyes were glued to his Zanpakutō. For a long while, he remained motionless and silent. Kira was about to walk off, having already made his point but then he noticed the shaking of Yumichika's shoulders. Immediately, guilt sliced through his stomach. He rushed over to his friend, scolding himself thoroughly for getting so caught up in heated words. He should have known better.

"Oh, Yumichika. I'm sorry. I should never have… Please don't cry…"

Yumi's head shot up but instead of tears, Kira saw delight. Yumichika wore the grin that was usually seen on Kenpachi in the throes of battle. His shoulders were shaking but not in anguish. Laughter burst into his ears and Kira shivered at the sound. There was a wild fire in Yumichika's eyes, a bloodlust that belonged only to the men of the 11th division. Never had Kira ever seen it directed at another Shinigami but this look was for him alone. He stumbled back, stunned and confused, his hand groping automatically for Wabisuke.

"Split and deviate, Ruri'iro Kujaku," Yumichika called.

Blue vines burst forth from peacock feathers and a sense of dread filled the air. Kira tried belatedly to flee but it was too late, the vines wove around him, stilling him, draining him of his energy. What in the world was this? He could move, he couldn't even reach for Wabisuke but even if he could, what would his sword do against such an ability? Kira's breathing became laboured and he vaguely took notice of pretty, blue buds amongst the vines.

As Kira fell to his knees, Yumichika plucked a petal free, popped it in his mouth and then promptly spat it back out.

"Ugh! I should have guessed. Hisagi tasted so much better."

"Bankai?" Kira gasped.

"No. That was only my Shikai. Funny isn't it, a lowly 5th seat defeating a Lieutenant with such ease? I guess you can no longer deny that I am your superior."

"Why?"

"Stay away from Ikkaku," Yumichika warned, cutting straight to the point.

"What?"

"I know what you're up to. I know why you stopped me from going after him in Karakura. Stay away from him."

"Ikkaku is… my… f… friend… You can't… keep… him from me…"

"So you haven't learned you lesson yet," Yumichika tisked. "Well now what should I do? I don't want any more of your disgusting reiatsu tainting Ruri'iro Kujaku beautiful petals so… Ah! I know. Since you're a kidou expert, I'll use that!"

With that Ruri'iro Kujaku returned to normal and was promptly sheathed.

"Now, which spell shall I use?" Yumi mused in the manner of one choosing his favourite treat from the bakery.

Kira's heart sank. This was bad. Very, very bad! He was in no position to counter any attack at the moment. He hardly had the energy to lift his head. He couldn't run away. He had to try and talk his way out of this. Surely Yumichika would see reason. He wasn't like the other brutes in the 11th Division.

"Y… Yumichika… please… d… don't do… this," Kira stuttered out of a combination of exhaustion and fear.

"Don't beg, Izuru," Yumichika chided. "It's so ugly. Now let me see. So many beautiful spells to choose from… Which one? Ah, I know!"

"Yumi!" Kira shrieked, the terror evident in his voice, "I'm sorry!"

"Too late," Yumichika shrugged gleefully. Oh, he was going to enjoy this! "Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Inferno and pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south…"

A red ball of flame appeared at the tip of Yumichika's dainty finger, growing steadily with each recited word of the incantation. Kira's eyes widened, his pupils shrank, sweat dripped down his forehead. There was no escape! He could be killed! He could die right here, right now and who would mourn him? He had never known the feeling of being loved. Loved so completely, like he had loved his Taicho, his ever present smile, his roguish accent, his silken silver hair… He had never thought it would end this way. He had just wanted to feel loved, was that so wrong?

It wasn't supposed to have been like this. He hadn't meant to fall for Ikkaku. It just couldn't be helped. He had seen the way Ikkaku loved Yumichika and he had been jealous and confused. How could Ikkaku love someone as completely opposite, someone so over the top and vain? But Ikkaku did love him, he loved him the way that Kira yearned to be loved. He wanted that love directed at him. So he had flirted and made a few advances but he had been so sure he was being subtle, he had never done anything in Yumichika's presence to set off any alarms. He hadn't wanted to break them up or anything… well, not really… not on purpose…

How had Yumichika found out? He hadn't even voiced his feeling aloud. Was Yumichika really all that intuitive or was he still sore that Kira had knocked him out during the fake Karakura battle? Kira hadn't done it maliciously. He was almost certain he hadn't done it so that he could go save Ikkaku himself. He had done it because Yumichika had been hysterical and he had spoken so rudely to Hisagi. Yes, that was why he had done it. He also hadn't wanted Yumichika to get hurt. After all, Ikkaku would have been furious if Yumichika had been hurt and he had done nothing to prevent it. Kira never wanted Ikkaku to be upset with him. What chance would he have had to win him over then? But what did it all matter now? What he had wanted, what he had meant, what his motives had been?

"Hado No. 31," Yumi continued, his voice light and airy. All traces of the anger and resentment that had been present when Kira approached him earlier had vanished.

Kira knew… hoped Yumichika wouldn't kill him but he also knew that this would hurt like hell. He would be incapacitated for a long time. How would he explain this to his fellow Lieutenants and worse, the Captains? How would he be able to look them in the face and admit he had been so easily defeated by a 5th seat? Perhaps they wouldn't look at him any differently. He already saw the pity in their eyes. Yumichika was right, he was pathetic. He closed his eyes and braced himself for the impact, for the pain…

"Red fire…"

There was an eerie silence. Was that it? Was it done? Was he dead? He hadn't felt anything. Kira's eyes were still clenched shut but he knew Yumichika hadn't finished the spell. Had he had a change of heart? He slowly opened one eye and peered over in the direction of his opponent but something or someone was blocking his view of Yumichika.

"What the hell are you doing, Yumi," came an angry voice.

"I… Ikkaku," Yumichika gasped, "How long have you been there?"

_Thank the gods!_ Kira thought in relief. He doubted anyone else would have been able to save him.

"Long enough," Ikkaku growled.

"Ikkaku," Yumi began somewhere between desperate and defiant, "don't interfere."

"That's enough, Yumichika. Back off."

"You're protecting him?" Yumichika seethed. "Him? From me?"

"Back off, Yumi," Ikkaku repeated, his voice hard and tight, leaving no room for argument. "Get back to the patrol. We'll talk later."

With that, Ikkaku turned on his heel, tossed Kira's limp form over his shoulder and shunpoed away. Yumichika was left alone, watching the man loved leave with the man trying to steal him underhandedly slung over his shoulder. He felt a flurry of emotions but beyond the anger, the bitterness and hurt, there was an unshakable sense of dread pooling in the pit of Yumichika's stomach. How much had Ikkaku seen?


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This is a bit of a brutal chapter. Very angsty. This may make you guys hate Ikkaku for awhile but remember, this chapter is seen only through Yumichika's perspective.  
This takes place after the big fight. I didn't want the second chapter to be as confrontational as the first. Here, Yumichika is remembering bits of the argument, (Ikkaku's quotes are in italics) and thinking over how he feels and what he should do.  
As always reviews & criticism are welcome. Thank you for reading.

There was a small form huddled in the corner of the otherwise deserted 11th Division dojo. It was 4am and while most were sleeping snugly in their rooms, Yumichika was curled up around himself in a helpless attempt to ease the aching within. If anyone asked, he would have denied that he was crying. Crying was very unbeautiful after all, it made his lovely violet eyes red rimmed and puffy. However, his shoulders were trembling and long wet streaks had trailed a path along his fair cheeks. He wiped them away with his orange wrist band.

It should have been an uneventful night. Guard duty was dull enough even when Ikkaku was with him but when he was alone it was torture. Still he would have preferred marching around alone in the dark empty streets of Seireitei to crying in the corner of the dojo. Ikkaku had been livid when he had gotten home. Yumichika had never felt the full brunt of Ikkaku's anger directed at him before but it wasn't like he didn't see it coming. He had known, he had always known it would happen like this. For the most part, Yumichika had expected every word Ikkaku had thrown at him. He had anticipated all of it, the anger, the bitter words, the accusations… So why did it hurt so much?

"_You drain people of their reiatsu? What the hell, Yumichika. That's so cheap and dirty."_

He was expecting that of course, those words, that reaction. On his way home he had imagined every possible thing Ikkaku might say to him but he wasn't prepared for the look on Ikkaku's face when he said it. There was no one word to describe it: disgust, revulsion maybe, anger definitely, condescendence but the most accusatory of all was the disappointment. Yumichika clenched his eyes tighter trying hard to dispel the image. It didn't work. He shook his head, fists pounding at his temples and bit his tongue in an attempt to redirect his thoughts but no matter what he did, that look lurked behind his closed lids. He opened his eyes, knowing the tears would come and he'd be helpless to stop them but he needed to stop seeing that look. He dragged his sleeve roughly over his face. Breathe, Yumichika, breathe.

He hadn't chosen this. He would have loved for his Zanpakuto to be a power type, one that he could flaunt proudly, one that would have made Ikkaku proud of him. That was why he used the half release. Why couldn't Ikkaku understand? Yumichika was a man of the 11th as well, he was 5th seat. He could have been 4th seat if he wanted. He knew it was a dirty tactic to use Rur'iro Kujaku so he didn't use it unless he absolutely had to and only when he knew no one in the division would see. He had checked for approaching reiatsu before his fight with Kira. He had been cautious… but not cautious enough. Ikkaku's reiatsu was weak because of his injury and Yumichika had simply assumed he had been home, in bed… He should have been more careful.

"_All this damn time, Yumichika, you lying bastard. I always knew you were manipulative but how the hell could you keep something like this from me?"_

That one hadn't bothered him so much at the time but in retrospect, it really stung that Ikkaku thought so poorly of him. It was true to a certain extent that Yumichika could be very underhanded when it came to getting what he wanted. He certainly would never have called it manipulative. Resourceful, cunning, persistent and calculating were much more to his taste. Manipulative sounded so ugly. Yumichika could not remember a time when he had "manipulated" Ikkaku. He had never needed to. He took much more pleasure in asking Ikkaku for small favours as they were always granted, even if at times they were accompanied by a half-hearted grumble.

Like the time he had been craving persimmon but they were out of season. Ikkaku had snapped at him to quit complaining, it was only a damn fruit. But he had also scoured the markets every day for a week before finding a vendor with a case of the bruised orange fruit. He had selected two that were the most intact and later, tossed them rather unceremoniously at Yumichika, when he had found him sorting files. They had made love right in the middle of the afternoon that day, the sweet taste of persimmon lingering on their lips. If he concentrated, he could almost feel Ikkaku's warm strong hands sliding over his skin. Ikkaku could be the most tender lover when he was in the mood. Something Yumichika kept close to his heart because he knew no one else ever got such loving treatment from the rough man. It was a testament to how beautiful their relationship was.

"_This entire fucking relationship is a sham! You played me like an idiot all this time."_

That one Yumichika hadn't expected. It stung quite deep. How could Ikkaku think he wasn't completely devoted to the relationship? The way Yumichika felt was genuine. There was no way anyone could mistake it. He had followed this man throughout all the Rukongai watching Ikkaku win countless battles with patient admiration and sometimes watching him lose while forcing himself to remain rooted to the spot when every inch of his heart, his soul, his body was screaming with fear and the desire to protect the one he loved.

Yumichika had developed unbelievable patience and control in those years. Along with those qualities, although Yumichika had never let Ikkaku know, came terrible fits of anxiety. Memories of lost fights crept in Yumichika's dreams and haunted his mind with tormenting thoughts. What if Ikkaku hadn't been able to dodge that swing? Just a few inches to the right and it could have cleaved his head clear off! What if Ikkaku was challenged to another fight before he could recover completely? What if luck wasn't on his side next time?

It had taken a long, long time but Yumichika finally found solace in a little yellow feather that drifted down the trees one day. In the human world, women would tie yellow ribbons to trees with the hope that their beloved would return safely from war and battle. Yumichika had placed the feather in his hair but the wind kept blowing it out. He tried hair clips but certainly wanted something more secure. When Ikkaku got the tattoos done around his eyes, Yumichika had searched the forest every day for months for a matching red feather. In the end, he had found one per chance at a stall in the market. For years he kept those feathers and when he finally leaned how to use kidou, he secured them safely in plain sight on his eyebrow.

"_Because of your little jealous fit, you dragged Kira into this? That's real rich, Yumichika. Hitting on anything with a pulse is your way to get what you want, not his."_

What had Ikkaku been implying? He had never been able to distinguish being nice to people from flirting anyway. In all the years they had been together, Yumichika had never once given anyone a second look. Why would he have to? He had the man he loved more than life itself by his side. So even when he did flirt, it was innocent and he would always, always stop if he felt even the slightest flare of jealousy in Ikkaku. After all, Yumichika loved being told he was beautiful but never more than when Ikkaku stroked his hair out of his eyes for no reason other than to look at him. Or when Ikkaku whisked him into a dark hallway in the middle of their duties to steal a kiss. Or when Ikkaku's eyes lingered when they were on a mission and he would wear real world clothes. Yumichika never felt as beautiful as when Ikkaku looked at him.

"_Say what you fucking will about him but at least he has a man's sword and doesn't fight dirty."_

Yumichika was fiercely proud of his skill as a swordsman. He had won the respect of the 11th by the edge of his blade despite their initial reluctance to accept such a frilly man into their Division. He had had to work tirelessly to attain the same amount of respect that Ikkaku received and even still he was well aware of the hushed jokes at his expense. He had turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to them more often than he could count but it still stung. Often the repressed pain manifested itself into one of Yumichika's legendary fits. Ikkaku would usually avoid him while he worked through the anger but sometimes he relished it when he was aching for a good spar. After, when Yumi was too tired to be angry anymore, he would settle for a pout which Ikkaku would quickly erase with a kiss. Then Yumichika would remind himself that those ruffians simply couldn't understand beauty or his complexity but it didn't really matter. Their opinions didn't matter anyway.

"_I can't believe I fell for this shit! Those stupid feathers, the ridiculous orange… whatever the hell that is, all that damn frilly crap you do was just a fucking distraction. All so you could play me, you ugly bastard!" _

That one knocked the breath right out of him. His heart shattered and felt like it had fallen into the pit of his stomach. Ikkaku thought he was ugly. There was only one person whose opinion truly mattered to Yumichika, only one person other than himself that he tried to look beautiful for, only one person whose estimation Yumichika craved for and that person had called him… ugly.

Yumichika knew, he _knew_ that Ikkaku had said it out of anger. He _knew_ Ikkaku didn't mean it. He couldn't, _couldn't_ have meant it! He was sure it couldn't be the truth. It couldn't be, because Ikkaku loved him. He did! He had to! Despite all the years they had been together, longer than most human couples could even fathom, Ikkaku gaze still made him feel as beautiful as he claimed to be. Yumichika thought of their morning routine, where they would wake together, share a soft kiss, then Yumichika would putter around the room, preparing for the day as Ikkaku lazed in the bed watching him dress with the same appreciation in his eyes as when he watched Yumichika disrobe. There was no doubt in Yumichika's mind that the glow everyone admired about him had little to do with his daily primping and everything to do with the euphoric feeling of being seen in Ikkaku's esteem.

Had that changed? Had his secret really affected Ikkaku so much? To the point where he couldn't even look at Yumichika anymore? Where he could not look past the lie, not see any of Yumichika's efforts and affections, not see any beauty at all?

"_You're a fucking embarrassment to the 11th. Everyone was right about you! You shouldn't even be in this division with your pansy ass sword."_

Somehow, that was the first thing he had expected Ikkaku to say to him and despite that, it was the one thing that hurt the most. He had stepped on his Zanpakuto's pride to belong to this division, stepped on his own pride, his own abilities to impress those around him, to be seen as their equal. He had done it because Ikkaku meant more to him than any of his personal aspirations. He only needed to be strong enough to outrank the rest 11th Division. He knew he had no hopes of achieving the power and intensity of Zaraki Taichou nor would he try to compete with a child for Ikkaku's respect. He needed to be just strong enough to be at Ikkaku's level. Yumichika had been resigned to underachieving for the rest of his afterlife so he would never overshadow Ikkaku's pride and ambition… So he could fight along side of the man he loved…

So much for that. He would be laughed out of the 11th Division when news spread. Zaraki Taichou would be disgusted with him. He was disgusted with himself. Why had he been cursed with a kidou type Zanpakuto? It was a beautiful sword and it was powerful. It was everything Yumichika wanted and was… but what good was it doing him now? What good was it to be beautiful when the one you want thinks you're ugly? What good was it to be powerful when such power was only perceived to be cowardly?

The sky was turning pink and orange. The sun would be rising soon. He would have to leave the dojo before someone found him in this frightful state. He would go to the communal bath. It was still too early to be occupied. He would clean up and figure out what to do next. He needed more time to think, to be away from Ikkaku and this division and all the reminders of what he was losing because of a stupid reckless fight with that idiot blond. Maybe he would request to be transferred out of the 11th as soon as possible, although, Yachiru would no doubt pester him for a reason and he was in no state to come up with a plausible lie at the moment. Maybe Zaraki had a real world mission for him. Yes, that might be best. He needed something to preoccupy him and more than anything he needed time and a change of environment to figure out what he would do next.


	3. Chapter 3

Ikkaku was sore. Kenpachi had knocked him around even more than usual during the practice drills this morning. He knew he should have paid better attention but he couldn't seem to help himself. His eyes kept roaming the crowd of 11th Division onlookers for a certain graceful presence. In the sea of rough, ill mannered men, Yumichika had always been easy to spot but Ikkaku hadn't seen him at all this day. He hadn't seen him in the mess hall during meals, he hadn't seen him on guard duty, in the office or even at the regular pubs. As a matter of fact, Ikkaku hadn't seen Yumichika all week. Ikkaku had slept, eaten, fought and worked alone for an entire week and quite frankly it was starting to get on his nerves.

There wasn't much he could do about it though. If Yumichika didn't want to be found, he wouldn't be. Damnit, Ikkaku thought, figures just when he's feeling well enough to fool around, Yumichika goes off on his little tantrum. Ikkaku was the type to flare his anger in the heat of the moment and forget it completely once he had cooled off. Unfortunately Yumichika wasn't the same so now, Ikkaku foung himself being cock blocked when he really needs some release. Fighting had worked to distract him for the first few days but now he was just getting antsy. He was sure it was just the fact that he'd been horny that made him all fidgety and distracted like that. He refused to admit, even to himself, that he missed the warmth of Yumi's small frame nestled in his arms when he goes to bed, the scent of his hair, the taste of his lips…

STOP! Those thoughts are getting him riled up far too quickly and with Yumichika MIA there is no other option than to push the thoughts out of his mind and find someone to beat into a whimpering pulp. It's not the first time that Yumichika has vanished after an argument. Usually when they exchange heated words and Ikkaku is being too stubborn to admit that he had any part to play in the problem, Yumichika would stomp off in a huff. When he would come back, he'd usually give Ikkaku the cold shoulder, the pout or a combination of both. Ikkaku would give him his space for a day or so then placate him in the way only he could. Ikkaku loved that part, the make up sex was great. But Yumichika had never been gone for more than a day before, he would always come home at night, even though he would roll out his own futon as far as possible from Ikkaku's. And even if Yumichika was avoiding him, Ikkaku should have seen at least a glimpse of him somewhere in the division ground. It certainly wasn't like Yumichika to shirk his duties for the sake of his foul mood. Ikkaku had even tried reaching for his lover's reiatsu and come up empty. It was leaving him feeling rather off kilter.

Granted this fight had been quite a bit more serious than the past ones and they had never gone off on one another like that before… But what the hell did Yumichika expect? Keeping a damn secret like this from him for all these years and then having the nerve to be defiant about it when he was caught red handed! It was bad enough he had a kidou type sword but using it against a fellow shinigami and then acting like he was in his right to do it… What was Yumichika thinking? It was a good thing that Kira hadn't reported him.

Fuck, Ikkaku had forgotten all about Kira this week. He had been too busy wondering where the hell Yumichika was and why the hell he wasn't coming home. He should probably go check on him. He had been pretty weak when Ikkaku had brought him home. Even after Ikkaku had ransacked his kitchen and warmed up all the food he could find, Kira's reiatsu had been meek at best. Damn, Yumichika's sword was vicious. Not that he'd ever tell anyone he was impressed by a kidou sword… Yeah, he definitely needed some sort of distraction and it seemed the rest of his division was avoiding him. They always did when he was in the mood for a good fight. Cowardly bastards.

"Ikkaku, this is a pleasant surprise," Kira greeted him with a smile and offered him a seat across from his desk.

"Hey, Kira. How's it going?"

"I'm doing well. Much better than… before… I have you to thank for that."

Ikkaku grunted distractedly. He was too busy noticing the pomegranate on Kira's desk. Yumichika loved them, although he couldn't stand them himself. Stupid, messy things, such a pain in the ass to peel and in the end all you got were a bunch of tart kernels with a big crunchy seed in the middle. He hadn't understood why the hell Yumichika liked them so much until maybe last year when they were in season and Yumi had nibbled the little red beads out of every dip on his body, then held a few on his tongue as his pretty mouth wrapped around Ikkaku's… Bad, bad thoughts! Fuck damn it, now he was hard!

"Ikkaku, are you alright?" Kira asked alarmed.

"Huh?" Ikkaku snapped himself out of his daydream as if noticing Kira's presence for the first time. "Yeah. It's nothing."

"Are you sure? Anything I can help you with?" Kira asked gently.

Ikkaku chuckled dryly, "No. Not with this."

"Please tell me what's wrong, Ikkaku and I'll do my best."

_Idiot. Too damn naïve for his own good._ _Hmm_, Ikkaku mused, _hand job, blowjob, bend over your desk so I can pound that tiny, flat ass of yours_… Ikkaku chuckled inwardly. Like Kira would ever do that. Still, he would have to tell him something or else Kira would get all sad and slouchy. Ikkaku didn't think he could handle the comforting role at the moment… or ever. He was in no mood to come up with a plausible lie and Kira probably wouldn't buy it anyway. Hell, the truth is scary enough, maybe he'll back off once he hears it.

"I'm horny, haven't had sex in over a month and I have an erection that's not looking like it's going away anytime soon. You think you can help me with that?" Ikkaku snorted.

Kira looked taken aback. He sat silently in his chair watching Ikkaku for a long moment. Was he considering it? _Ok,_ Ikkaku thought, _this is too weird_.

"Shit. Sorry, Kira. I shouldn't have said that. Forget I said anything. Listen, I just came to see if you were ok. You are, so I'm just going to go."

Ikkaku stood quickly and headed for the door. He wanted to get out of there right away but Kira's voice stopped him before he could make it halfway across the room.

"Wait a moment, Ikkaku," Kira said walking over to the bald man. "I said I would try my best to help you and I intend to."

Ikkaku thought his eyes might just fall out of his head and his jaw had definitely hit the floor. Maybe he was hallucinating. He should probably head over to the 4th and get himself checked out again… Wait a minute! Why was Kira kneeling in front of him? A small, hesitant hand reached for his hakama but Ikkaku caught it quickly.

"Kira, stop. I didn't mean… What the hell are you doing? I'm not going to make you do…"

"You're not making me do anything," Kira interrupted, sliding his hand out of Ikkaku's. "You saved me the other day. I want to thank you."

"Like this?" Ikkaku asked incredulously.

"You're obviously frustrated and I want to show my appreciation. Let me do this for you, Ikkaku." Kira's voice was incredibly gentle.

Ikkaku's cock _was_ incredibly hard and he was _really_ fucking horny. Who knew when Yumichika would come out of hiding? It sure as hell was tempting. Kira was sitting there right in front of him, his hand sliding into his hakama, freeing his aching cock from the confining fabric, his fingers curling around the base, his tongue tracing over the… whoa! Well, that decided that then…

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! He shouldn't have done that. He really, really, really shouldn't have done that. _Damnit_, Ikkaku thought as he glared down at his flaccid cock now tucked securely back into his hakama, _don't you have any self control_? He noticed some people giving him some funny looks. Couldn't a man glare at his penis in peace? A withering glare sent them all scurrying back to their duties, while Ikkaku stomped back to the 11th. Ikkaku really wanted to find Yumichika right now and lose himself in the man's scent, his touch, his taste… Not that Yumichika was likely to let Ikkaku near him since he was probably still pouting. Ikkaku wondered where he got the patience to put up with Yumichika's moods sometimes… Although, now Yumichika _really_ had a reason to be pissed at him, even if he didn't know it. But would Ikkaku even be able to look Yumichika in the face right now? Certainly not with Kira's scent lingering on his body. Yumichika was ridiculously sensitive to scent, he would figure it out in a second and Ikkaku had never been very good at lying to him. Damn bastard was just too damn perceptive for his own good. Ikkaku had given up on trying to keep anything from Yumichika a long time ago. It took far too much effort. Regardless, he needed a trip to the bathhouse.

"Pachinko-chan!" Yachiru's overly cheerful voice pierced his eardrums.

Ikkaku scowled as his Lieutenant let herself in and began bouncing on his futon.

"Wanna play a game?"

"No," Ikkaku grumbled.

"You're no fun, Pachinko-head. I miss Wierdo."

"Where is he?"

"On a mission in the real world, silly."

"Alone?"

"Uh huh. Let's play tag! You're it!"

With that, Yachiru snatched up Ikkaku's Zanpakuto and holding it high over her head, took off in a flash of pink.

"Oi! Come back here you little brat!"

A month. A whole month since Ikkaku had last seen Yumichika. That was longer than they had been apart since… well since they first met. Ikkaku wasn't too good at putting names to his emotions, even if anyone else could have easily identified the loneliness, the melancholy and the discomfiture if Ikkaku allowed them to see his true feelings for just a moment. Ikkaku could however put a name to two of the things he was feeling. The first and foremost was anger. What the hell was Yumichika doing going off on a mission to the real word and not telling him? No wonder Ikkaku hadn't been able to find him, he wasn't even in Soul Society! This was one hell of a tantrum Yumichika was having, going off for an entire month. This emotion was the one that he showed everyone. His division mates knew him well enough to avoid him so the poor new recruits ended up getting the brunt of his anger. Fortunately, Kenpachi was glad for it, he said it weeded out the weaklings without him having to raise a finger.

The other thing Ikkaku knew for sure was that he was hornier than ever now. The first week, after he had found out about Yumichika's mission, he had spent his nights trying to drink his cock flaccid. This worked until the morning he found himself waking up in the bed of some woman he couldn't for the life of him match with a name. The following night, he had opted to drink alone in his room but Kira had come over for a visit and Ikkaku was temporarily soothed. Since then, Kira would visit him ever evening. Ikkaku figured it was a better option than possibly getting someone pregnant and it wasn't like Ikkaku and Yumichika didn't occasionally partake in some form of debauchery with other people. After centuries together, a little variety was essential, so it wasn't really cheating per se. Yumichika had never had any problem with it before, although Ikkaku wondered if he would be ok with it being Kira. But, this was Yumi's fault in the first place. He shouldn't have left Ikkaku to his own devices for so long. Besides, Ikkaku had made it clear to Kira that they were only fooling around until Yumi got back, to which Kira had surprisingly seemed to be ok with. He had chalked it up to helping his friend in his time of need. Damn, Kira sure was devoted to his friends.

This was getting ridiculous! What the hell kind of mission kept Yumichika in the real world for three months? And not a damn word from him either. Ikkaku stomped over to Kenpachi's office with every intention of demanding an explanation. If he didn't get one to his satisfaction, then he would just have to go the real world himself and bring Yumichika back. He was coming up to the office now and he could hear voices coming from inside. Kenpachi and Yachiru's voices he recognized but there was someone else as well. It sounded important. He'd have to wait until the other person left. As he leaned on the wall next to the door, he wondered what was going on.

"Enough with the formal crap," Kenpachi grunted. "Get to the point."

"Yes, Zaraki Taichou. 5th Seat, Ayasegawa Yumichika was fighting a hollow along side the shinigami representative, Kurosaki Ichigo, in the real world earlier today. The hollow was vanquished but during the fight, Kurosaki Ichigo suffered a mild concussion."

"What about Feather-chan?" Yachiru chimed in.

A prolonged silence, then, "We were unable to detect any trace of Ayasegawa Yumichika."

Ikkaku's stomach twisted violently.

"Nothing?" Kenpachi asked.

"No, sir. It is believed that he defeated the hollow before he..."

_Before he what? Why did that asshole just trail off like that?_

"Alright," Kenpachi said. "Did you tell anyone else?"

"No, sir."

"Good, keep your mouth shut."

There was some shuffling and the stranger exited the office. He was a special forces man, a newbie, a messenger. He looked nervous and exhausted. Not surprising, Kenpachi's reiatsu was brutal. The shinigami, who looked no older than a teenaged boy, was in such a rush to get away from the strain of the overpowering reiatsu that he almost ran into Ikkaku on his way out. He stopped just short of the bald man and then, as if recognizing him, bowed and offered his apologies before continuing hurriedly on his way. What the hell was that about?

"So, he actually did it," Kenpachi said from within the office.

"Does that mean Feather-chan isn't coming back?" Yachiru wailed.

_Not coming back? Why the hell not?_

"Doesn't seem like it."

_No! This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening._

"But Ken-chan, I'm going to miss him!" Yachiru's voice was alarmingly distressed.

"Not much we can do about it now."

"Feather-chan was really sad when he left, wasn't he Ken-chan? Do you think he's happier now?"

_Yumichika had left right after their argument. Had he really been that sad?_

"Who knows? Maybe. He can't be any worse than when we saw him last."

_How bad had he been?_

"Ken-chan's going to miss him too, right?"

_Of course not. Kenpachi had no reason to miss him. Yumichika was fine, he would be coming home soon._

"Damnit… I didn't think of that. Who the hell is going to do the paperwork now?"

This was impossible. There was no way this was happening. He had misheard. He had misunderstood. He must have. There had to be another explanation. Yumichika was fine. He was fighting hollows or doing whatever mission in the real world. He'd be home as soon as he was done. Hell, if he came home right now, Ikkaku would be willing to apologize to him. He would be willing to take all the blame for their argument. He would be willing to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. He would be willing to grow some damn hair if Yumichika would just hurry up and come home, damn it!

This hallway was stifling. He needed air. He couldn't trust his legs at the moment and had to hold onto the wall for support. He could wait until later to feel disgusted with this moment of weakness. Right now he needed fresh air.

He came around the corner but instead of feeling the warm sunshine against his face, he was confronted with the shadow of an orange haired ryoka boy. What the hell was Kurosaki doing here? Didn't he have a concussion or something?

"Ikkaku, I've been looking everywhere for you," Ichigo said, his face grave.

Ikkaku couldn't find words at the moment. His eyes were transfixed by the colour orange. Not the orange of this kid's ridiculous hair but the orange Ichigo was holding in his hand.

"Uh…" Ichigo stuttered, noticing Ikkaku's scrutiny of the item he held and unsure of what he wanted to say really, "I guess you know about the fight already. I'm not… I'm not even really all that sure of what happened. All I remember was getting knocked out when the hollow threw me into the side of that building. When I woke up, the hollow and Yumichika were gone. This is all I could find of him."

The orange cuff Yumichika wore around his neck was pushed into his hands. It was torn, dirty and slightly bloodied.

"I'm… I'm really sorry, Ikkaku," Ichigo said.

Ikkaku gripped the orange fabric fiercely in his hand. He nodded to Ichigo and without a word headed back to his room.


	4. Chapter 4

Summary: Ikkaku mourns  
AN: This was a very difficult chapter for me to write. I have tried my very hardest to put myself in Ikkaku's shoes and imagine what he would feel when faced with this kind of situation. I hope I've done him justice.

Just outside of Zaraki's office, Ikkaku's heart had stopped, then pounded achingly in his chest. When the messenger bumped into him in the hall and gave him his apologies, Ikkaku had stopped breathing. His breath hadn't caught in his throat or anything, it had simply stopped. Those short seconds had stretched endlessly in Ikkaku's mind. When he saw the orange fabric in Ichigo's hand everything stopped. Ichigo had babbled something, Ikkaku had heard what the kid had said but nothing sunk in until the words I'm sorry. Now he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Walking back to his room, Ikkaku felt completely numb. Somehow, his legs moved mechanically towards his room and his hand clung fiercely to the orange collar and when he got to the door, he figured out how to unlock it and step inside. Then the door clicked closed and Ikkaku lost all strength in his legs. With his back slumped against the wall, he slid to the ground.

"Hōzukimaru," Ikkaku whispered. "Is it true? Have I lost him?"

There was no hesitation in the reply, no sense of sympathy: Hōzukimaru delivered the answer with frank brutality.

"Yes."

One word. Just one word and everything began to crumble. The entire world seemed to be shattering into small pieces and caving in on him. Ikkaku was used to pain. In his afterlife, he had endured more than his share of injuries. He had been cut, sliced, stabbed and jabbed. He had been battered, bruised and beaten unconscious. He had felt the full brunt of some of the most dangerous kidou spells and stood up to the most terrifying reiatsu in Soul Society. He had been close to death more times than he could even remember but never had he felt pain like this. It wasn't crushing or breaking or burning or tearing or bursting or even cutting. It was everything and everywhere all at the same time.

_I've lost him_, Ikkaku thought. _Yumichika. My Yumi. I've lost him._

Shutting his eyes tightly, Ikkaku went to bury his face in his hands. Something thick and soft brushed against his face. That's right, he was holding Yumichika's collar. It smelled of dirt and sweat and blood but if he inhaled deeply with the cloth pressed against his nose, Yumichika's scent still lingered; the sweetest scent in the world. What was that smell? Ikkaku had never thought to analyze it before. It wasn't floral or fruity, nor was it spicy or musky. It was… fresh. It was like the air after precipitation, like a wide open meadow, like newly washed sheets that have been hung out to dry beneath the warm summer sun. How long before that scent faded? Maybe he could do that time freezing bubble thing. But he sucked with kidou. Maybe he'd ask Kira. He knew a lot about that kind of crap.

FUCK! How could this be happening and what the hell was going on with him. In the face of bad news he would usually be kicking the shit out of anyone who dared cross his line of sight! He shouldn't be sitting in his room, wallowing in his own misery. He should be out getting shit faced drunk. Maybe then he would wake up in the morning with a killer hangover and if he was lucky Yumichika scolding him while bringing him cool drinks to keep him hydrated. Maybe it was all a bad bad dream.

Even as he thought it, Ikkaku knew there was no escaping this. Not even his beloved sake could save him now. That's why he was sitting here in his room, clinging to piece of fabric and feeling like his insides were being crushed.

It wasn't supposed to be like this! It was never supposed to be like this. Yumichika was the one who watched _him_ fight. He was the silent strength that had kept Ikkaku alive all these years. Ikkaku was sure he would have found death easily if it hadn't been for that man. Even warriors need a reason to fight. Ikkaku's eventual goal might have been to die under Kenpachi's command but… Yumichika used to say Ikkaku lived from fight to fight and centuries ago he would have been right but somewhere along the way he had found a beautiful, amazing man to share every day with and suddenly waiting for the next fight didn't make him restless anymore.

_I guess he finally got what he wanted,_ Kenpachi had said.

Every member of the 11th Division wanted to die in battle and Yumichika, despite his differences was undoubtedly a man of the 11th and a skilled man of the 11th, so there was no way Ikkaku would believe that he was defeated by a mere hollow. Not unless… not unless he went into the fight looking for death.

_He was really sad when he left,_ Yachiru had said.

That was a brutal argument for sure but could it really have pushed Yumichika to this? Sure Ikkaku had hurled some harsh thing out there but Yumichika hadn't exactly stood there and taken it. Yumichika knew a hell of a lot better than to listen to Ikkaku when he was pissed. Ikkaku always blurted out idiotic things. He pushed buttons he knew should be left alone but in his fury, Ikkaku didn't pay much heed to the warnings in his head or even the glares that followed. The whole sword thing had caught him off guard and the fact that Yumichika had been so defiant about it had taken his rage to a whole new level. He had said anything he could to wipe that snide look off of Yumichika's face, he had attacked everything that he knew Yumichika took pride in…

"_You ugly bastard."_

_The minute it left his mouth Ikkaku wished he could take it back. Yumichika flinched like he had just been hit and Ikkaku felt a pang of guilt but he was still pissed so he turned away._

"_You brute!" Yumichika shrieked behind him. "You wouldn't recognize beauty if it slapped you in the face."_

_A hand on Ikkaku's elbow spun him back around but before he could open his mouth another hand connected hard with his left cheek._

"_Oww! What the fuck, Yumi?"_

"_See! Ungrateful bastard. As if you could find someone else who is as beautiful as me and will put up with you day by day."_

"_You think you could find someone who will put up with your shit every day?"_

"_You do!"_

"_Because you're a good fuck. Oww! Stop hitting me!"_

"_You PIG! How dare you insinuate the only reason you're with me is because I'm fantastic in bed."_

"_I'm not insinuating anything. I'm telling you how it is. That and I used to think you were a good fighter."_

What was he so pissed about in the first place? So Yumichika's sword was a kidou type, what the hell did that matter? It wasn't like Yumichika chose it that way. No one had any damn say in the swords abilities, they just had to deal with what they got. The fact that Yumichika somehow managed to use a partial release and be so efficient and powerful with it was impressive enough but Ru'iro Kujaku's true release was devastatingly powerful and efficient. So was Ikkaku upset with the sword or with the lie?

When he found out that Yumichika had been keeping such a huge secret from him, Ikkaku, on the one hand, sort of understood why Yumichika would want to keep it from the rest of the Division. Yumichika had to face enough adversity as it was looking and acting the way he did. Ikkaku was proud of him though, for staying true to himself and holding his chin up despite it all. Although no one would dare whisper about Yumichika in his presence, it didn't mean that Ikkaku hadn't overheard. Of course Ikkaku wanted to rearrange their faces but Yumichika was a man with pride. He didn't need Ikkaku to defend his honour. It did however give Ikkaku plenty of fuel during training, not that he would ever admit to it.

Still, for Yumichika to keep such an enormous secret from him was something entirely different. He had thought that they shared everything and for Yumichika to lie to him for so long… well, there was no other way around it. It hurt. Yumichika either didn't trust him to keep the secret or he had no faith in him.

They often joked about Yumichika being the brain and Ikkaku being the brawn. He knew he wasn't the smartest man and it had never bothered him before. He held no resentment to the fact that Yumichika outshone him intellectually. Back in the academy, Ikkaku would never have passed had it not been for Yumichika's "tutoring," if copying over his friend's shoulder could even be called that. When it came to paperwork and planning a battle attack, Yumichika was the man to ask. Ikkaku was the one who ran in head first, brandishing his sword and slicing down the few who stuck around to face him. That was the way it was and it worked well for them.

Ikkaku was known as the fearsome 3rd seat of the 11th Division. He had never needed brains and he was proud of his gruff reputation. He never cared that people would sometimes make allusions to his not quite so sharp nature. He might bash their faces in for their insolence but he really couldn't blame them either. He was well aware that he lacked in that department and that was ok, he had never really wanted to be any other way.

Until that night, when he had wished he had been smarter so he could have figured it out before, so he wouldn't feel so suddenly foreign to the man he thought of as his other half. Yumichika's defiance that night felt like salt rubbing into the wound. Yumichika didn't seem to have any regrets about lying to his lover for so long. Ikkaku had never felt stupid before, but he had felt like an idiot that night. No matter how many ways he had tried to look at it, every time Yumichika had snapped back at his admonishments, it felt like beneath the defensive words Yumichika was saying, "You're so stupid, Ikkaku. Look how long I've lied to you and you've never even noticed. I can't be blamed for your lack of intelligence."

Had Yumichika really thought so little of him? What did it matter now? In the end, it turned out that Yumichika was right. A few defensive words and Ikkaku had turned vicious, aiming for the spots he knew hurt Yumichika the most. There hadn't been a single logical thought in his mind that night, everything just blurted forth from the anger and the pain he would never admit he felt.

Could he admit it now? Even to himself? He had never really deserved Yumichika in the first place. He wasn't beautiful, classy, cultured or any of that other stuff Yumichika was. Everyone had always wondered why Yumichika would choose such a brute like him and none more than Ikkaku himself but actions spoke louder than words for Ikkaku and Yumichika chose him. There was no doubt that Yumichika deserved better, he deserved everything in the world and if Ikkaku weren't quite so selfish, maybe Yumichika could have gotten it.

Yumichika had a taste for the finer things in life. That was a given but so was the fact that he had settled when it came to his lover. It wasn't to say that Ikkaku wouldn't have done anything to make Yumi happy but the truth of the matter was that Yumichika could have gotten any man he wanted. It wouldn't have been easy considering Ikkaku had threatened any man that lay a finger on him and had pummeled the few that were too persistent or too stupid to take heed of the warnings but it wouldn't have been impossible. Despite all the crap he had to put up with, all their differences and all of his flaws, Yumichika had chosen Ikkaku.

"_You're home!" Yumichika squealed, launching himself across the room._

_The smile on Yumi's face and the sparkle in his eyes made Ikkaku's breath catch momentarily. Then, suddenly, he found himself with his arms full of the warm, familiar body. _

"_Where are my presents?" Yumichika demanded giddily._

"_Presents?" Ikkaku asked._

_Yumichika's eyes hardened immediately, "Madarame Ikkaku, if you forgot my birthday then you can walk right back out of here right now!"_

"_I didn't forget, idiot!" Ikkaku chuckled, "You said you didn't want presents. All you wanted was me home for your birthday."_

"_You didn't get me anything?" Yumichika gasped. His shoulders drooped and his lip pushed out into a pretty pout. "You're so thick, Ikkaku. Of course I wanted presents! No one says that and actually means it."_

_Yumichika turned to walk away but Ikkaku's arm snaked around his waist, pulling him back against his chest._

"_Such a drama queen," he smirked, holding up a bundle wrapped in blue fabric. _

_Within a matter of minutes, all the contents of the bundle were laid out on the futon; a jade hanko with ink pad, a new paper fan and a box of warashi, almost too beautiful to eat. Launching himself in Ikkaku's arms again, Yumichika covered the bald man with gentle kisses. _

"_Thank you," he whispered. _

"_I thought you would like 'em," Ikkaku smiled._

"_Thank you, for coming home today," Yumichika clarified. _

"_You thought I would miss it?"_

"_No, I knew you would come."_

"_I love you," Ikkaku said. _

_Yumichika gasped softly. It was no wonder, Ikkaku rarely ever said it first. Sometimes he would go months without saying the actual words. Watching Yumichika's eyes twinkle and the soft smile grace his delicate lips, Ikkaku wondered why he didn't say it more often. This was why he loved this man, because no one else looked at him like he was the entire world, no one else loved him like he was flawless and no one could stake their claim to beauty quite like Yumichika and be so absolutely right. How had he been so lucky to call this man his own?_

How had he lost him? How had he been so stupid that he lost his Yumi. He would never that smile again. He would never feel the tingle as he watched Yumichika's beautiful violet eyes glow with love and admiration for him, only him. He should have told him. He would… what was this?

Large, heavy drops were sliding down his cheeks. He was crying. The mighty Madarame Ikkaku was crying. The tears were flowing freely and he was completely powerless to stop them. Ikkaku didn't cry. He was furious at himself. He yanked his sleeves over his eyes again and again to wipe them away but fresh tears replaced the last immediately. With a howl of resignation, he hurled the closest thing to him, Hōzukimaru, across the room. Ikkaku expected to hear his zanpakuto's infuriated protest but there was not a sound other than the shattering glass of the broken mirror and the dull thud as Hōzukimaru hit the ground. Understanding immediately, Ikkaku uttered a silent word of thanks to his sword who thought better of reproaching him when he was already in such turmoil.

"Pachinko-chan!" Yachiru's voice sing songed into the room.

Ikkaku didn't even bother to turn away. He just sat there amongst his tears as she walked in and stopped beside him. She looked at the shattered mirror and the broken warrior crumpled on the floor and her innocent expression seemed to mature suddenly. She placed her little hand on his shoulder.

"It'll be ok, Ikkaku-san," She said.

She had never called him by his name before and for some reason the seriousness of the situation hit him so much harder because of it. Dropping his head, new tears sprung forth from his eyes, his shoulders shook and he allowed himself to wallow in the hell he had created for himself. Yachiru put her arms around him and held him until he fell asleep. Then, with her inexplicable strength, carried him to his futon and tucked him in.

AN: I added Yachiru in at the end to remove some of the oppressive thoughts. I don't particularily like her because she's brat but, I think, she would have handled this situation the way I wrote it. I would probably like her if she was just a wee bit disciplined so I'm probably not writing her in character.

**Hanko** are name stamps that can be made of wood, plastic, ivory, stone or jade.  
**Warashi** are dainty little Japanese tea cakes used in the Japanese tea ceremony. They are made of white bean paste and are usually shaped like flowers. Google them. So pretty.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Finally finished! Well, this chapter at least. It's been a while but I am back with this story and I promise not to tackle any other stories until this one is done.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Jenrr for being awesome and doing an amazing job as my beta and for pointing out all the shitty parts so I could fix them. There is much more YumIkkaku in this chapter than was the original plan thanks to her.

* * *

When it rained it poured and if Ikkaku thought it had been raining for the past few weeks, then it was just pissing down on him now. It had all started this morning with Zaraki Kenpachi effortlessly yanking him out of bed and tossing him at the shower.

"You," Kenpachi said jabbing an accusing finger at him, "no crying in my division."

Ikkaku opened his mouth to argue but Kenpachi wasn't done.

"Get your ass out of bed, take a shower and go to work. Stop wallowing like some woman!" With that Kenpachi turned and left.

"I wasn't crying, I was sleeping," Ikkaku grumbled but only after he was sure his Taichou was out of hearing range.

Later, showered and groomed for the first time in weeks, Ikkaku was buried beneath a mountain of paperwork. It took up his entire morning and a good part of the afternoon. Although he was unaware of it at the time, that would prove to be the better part of his day.

On his way to deliver his newly completed stack of paperwork, Ikkaku passed by the main office. The other officers greeted him normally and Ikkaku was, for once, glad for the red tape of Soul Society. If an officer did not contact the Gotei for 3 months an investigation would be launched. If the investigation was inconclusive, the officer would be assumed MIA, however, that would only be declared if the officer still had not made contact after 6 months. Following that, with no body and no results in the investigation, an officer would only be declared dead after 2 years. Ikkaku had done the math. He had 2 more months to pretend that Yumichika was still somewhere off on his mission until the rest of the Gotei found out and the "sympathy" started to roll in. He cringed at the thought. The last thing he fucking needed was to have half of Soul Society "understanding" what he was going through.

For the time being he was just going to make the best of the time he had.

Or so he thought until something usually unremarkable caught his eye.

The list of seated officers hung on the wall just outside of Kenpachi's office. The list changed so often that Ikkaku rarely bothered to check it. Besides, the important names at the top had not changed for decades.

**11th Division Seated Officers**

**Taichou **Zaraki Kenpachi

**Fukutaichou **Kusajishi Yachiru

**3rd Seat** Madarame Ikkaku

**4th Seat **...

**5th Seat** ...

Ikkaku stood frozen before the list, staring at the blank space where Yumichika's name had once been. Fuck this. He was going back to bed.

* * *

The Gods really hated him it seemed.

Yachiru had swallowed a bar of scented soap at lunch and was running around Seireitei trying to burp bubbles. So instead of being allowed to wallow in his own misery, Kenpachi had found his 3rd seat and informed him that he would be replacing her at the captains meeting.

Standing behind Kenpachi, Ikkaku observed as the other Captains and Lieutenants filed in. Some walked right in, moving to their designated spots while others welcomed him with a smile or a nod. Hisagi gave him a big toothy grin and Ikkaku wondered what the hell was up with him. Iba frowned at him and Renji threw him a sympathetic smile. Kira looked a little taken aback by his presence but smiled shyly at him and was that a blush? What was that about? Ikkaku already hated these meetings. His friends were acting weird.

Yamamoto Sou-Taichou walked in and took his place at the head of the room.

"We have a lot to cover today. Let us begin," He banged his cane on the floor.

"Excuse me," Kira piped up. "Hinamori Fukutaichou isn't here yet."

"No," the old man said. "She will no longer be joining us."

Kira gasped and his brows knitted in confusion.

Yamamoto ignored him.

"The first order of business is an announcement. One of many today. As most of you already know, after the betrayal of Kaname Tousen, Hisagi Shuuhei has taken on the role of acting captain of the 9th Division and run the division with outstanding aptitude and efficiency. His efforts have not gone unnoticed and the Gotei had voted unanimously to promote him to Captain as soon as he attained Bankai. Hisagi-san has in fact achieved this goal, so without further ado, Hisagi please step forward."

Hisagi took a stride forward and stopped in the spot reserved for the Captain of the 9th Division. Sasakibe fukutaichou stepped forward and presented him with the captain's haori.

"Thank you," Hisagi Taichou said with a bow. "Please guide me."

Damn, thought Ikkaku, Hisagi made Captain. Good for him. He was genuinely happy for his friend. At the same time, he was secretly grateful that Yumichika was not here to see this. Even he had to admit Shuuhei looked hella hot in that haori. Ikkaku ventured a glance at Abarai and had to bite his tongue to hold in the snort. Renji was practically feeling Shuuhei up with his eyes.

"Have you made your decision for Lieutenant, yet?" Yamamoto inquired.

"Not yet, Soutaichou."

"Very well. Don't rush your decision. Take your time and choose well."

"Yes, Soutaichou," Hisagi said with a bow. "Thank you."

Yamamoto banged his cane on the ground. "Congratulations, Hisagi Taichou. We will forgo the usual speeches today as there is far too much to cover."

"Next we are announcing a new Captain into the Gotei 13. In an attempt to better screen the candidates, we have long left the 5th Division leaderless. This is unacceptable and going forward, it will never happen again. For months now we have researched, interviewed and thoroughly tested the applicants. Finally, we have found a candidate we are confident will be an asset to the Gotei 13. This candidate has no formal training through the academy and has never stepped foot in Sereitei before. Although this is not our custom to consider such candidates, this person is of noble lineage, is adept in swordsmanship and kidou, has the backing of 2 former Captains and has received overwhelming approval by the Council. Please welcome, the new 5th Division Captain, Miyake Katsumi."

The doors swung open and a woman walked in. Ikkaku thought there was something familiar about her although he was positive he had never seen her before. She reminded him of someone. Yoruichi. She had the same feline elegance and it was coupled with an arrogance that was not quite the same as that of the cats. Her posture was perfect, her head held high and she walked in with the confidence of a true noble. She paused at the threshold, looked over her shoulder and waited. There was the sound of hurriedly shuffling feet behind her and when she was satisfied that they were close enough she assumed her place in the 5th Captain's spot. She wore a stylized version of the captain's haori. Ikkaku thought that the high slits and tall black boots showed off her thighs nicely when she walked but the thought was cut short when Yamada Hanatarou shuffled into the room and promptly tripped on his own feet, landing in a sprawled heap behind the new Captain. Miyake Taichou closed her eyes and sighed but the slightest trace of amusement could be seen on her ever so slightly curling lips.

Yamamoto Soutaichou was not so patient. He banged his cane on the ground again, a sound Ikkaku was really starting to hate, and went on.

"And this… " Yama-jii paused to sigh heavily, "is her choice for Lieutenant…"

Hanatarou picked himself up off the floor with a nervous giggle. "Please take of me," he chimed politely and bowed low.

A muffled laugh was heard from a handful of those in attendance and a sigh of tolerance from a few others. One person however, was not so happy with this new development.

"Is this some kind of a joke?"

Everyone turned in surprise as they realized that it was Kira Izuru who had spoken so hastily and out of turn.

"Silence!" The cane banged on the ground again but Kira did not give up.

"What about Hinamori-san?" Kira insisted. "What will become of her?"

"Hinamori Momo has been assigned to the Kidou Corps," the old man informed.

"There are no seated positions available in the Kidou Corps," Kira argued, forgetting himself in his indignity.

"No, there are not."

"She's been demoted? That's ludicrous!"

"She has been given the opportunity to prove herself," Yamamoto said.

"Hitsugaya Taichou," Kira pleaded. "You can't be alright with this!"

"I have faith in her, Kira," Hitsugaya said. There was only calm acceptance in his voice. "She will make her way back up the ranks when she is ready. The Gotei 13 has made a decision that works best for everyone. Hinamori is not currently in the right frame of mind to lead a division."

"She was betrayed! It wasn't her fault! Aizen did this to her! She deserved her position. You can't just bring in some new captain who wants to replace her with this idiot!"

A blast of icy reiatsu crackled through the air. Ikkaku was taken aback by it's sudden strength and almost faltered but it was well aimed and everyone in the room was immediately aware of whom it was aimed at. Kira Izuru, had fallen to one knee and clutched his stomach as if he had been sucker punched.

"Mind yourself," Miyake said, icy cold but even and controlled, like Kuchiki Byakuya's when he was angry.

"Since you are new to Seireitei then you can not make an informed decision," Kira insisted. "Hinamori-san is much more qualified and able than..."

"Are you questioning my selection?" Miyake Taichou asked. Her voice was silky smooth but there was a dangerously sharp edge to her words.

Kira seemed to come to his senses a little but the urge to protect his friend was still fierce in his heart. "No, Taichou. Forgive me but..."

Yamamoto's cane smacked the ground harder than it had previously. The sound echoed around the room.

"ENOUGH!" Yamamoto was visibly irritated. "Kira Izuru, since you feel that you can speak so freely without any respect for your colleague or our newest Captain, I shall not hold back either. The Gotei has been more lenient than you can imagine. After the traitors defected, the laws of Soul Society dictate that any associates should be arrested, questioned and stripped of their rank. The council chose rather to observe the Lieutenants and monitor their agendas. Hisagi-san has proven himself a true leader, a trustworthy colleague and a selfless warrior. As such we have awarded him the title he justly deserves.

"Hinamori-san, although is undeniably skilled and hardworking is in no position to lead a Division. As such, we have given her an opportunity to regain her position through her own efforts. Hinamori-san chose the Kidou Corps and went willingly to be an unseated officer.

"As for you, Kira Izuru, we had planned to inform you in private and make the announcement at the next meeting but your impudence has forced my hand."

Yamamoto turned to his Lieutenant and mumbled a command. Sasakibe Fukutaichou nodded and silently made his way out of the room.

"To this very day, the 3rd Division remains restless. There is discord between the officers who make no effort to conceal their distrust in you. Too often have you been bullied out of your responsibilities by those very officers. Soul Society, now more than ever, is in need of leadership and strength. You have the audacity to display arrogance and pity to your opponents and yet you cannot tame your own division."

Ikkaku watched Kira's shoulders slump and his head bow. Kira had been so quick to defend Hinamori and Ikkaku was waiting to see when he would step up and defend himself. He thought that Kira had done his best under the circumstances although he couldn't deny that he had been irritated by the blonde's passive attitude at times or that he had been surprised that the Gotei had allowed him and Hinamori to remain Lieutenants as long as they had. Hisagi had made the best of a bad situation and Ikkaku respected him for that. Ikkaku was not one for pity, but Kira's broken spirit begged it. Now, Ikkaku found that all this time, he had never really thought of Kira as a Lieutenant. Just another officer from another, weaker division.

Sasakibe returned and silently nodded to the Soutaichou.

"Effective immediately," Yamamoto continued, "the role of 3rd Division Lieutenant will be handed over to..."

The doors swing open revealing a man of remarkable beauty. His appearance was flawless yet there was carefully veiled annoyance in his eyes.

"... Ayasegawa Yumichika."

Any words past that name has fallen uselessly on the 11th Division 3rd Seats ears.

Ikkaku had stood rooted to his spot, incredulous and confused, throughout the rest of the meeting. What the fuck was going on here?

If Ikkaku had gotten his way, he would have walked right over to Yumichika in the middle of the meeting and knocked him in the head. Luckily, a menacing glance over the shoulder from his Captain had frozen him to the spot. What the hell was Yumichika thinking, showing up all of a sudden, _alive _and with seemingly no thought for the hell he'd put Ikkaku through?

* * *

After the meeting Yumichika had been surrounded by friends and praise. Naturally, he had basked in the spotlight, glowing from the attention and playing his adoring crowd like a fiddle. Ikkaku hadn't managed to get a word in sideways. He has stood there awkward and silently seething until he decided he really didn't want to hash this out in public. He had waited almost 4 months. He could wait a little while more.

A few hours was as much as his patience would allow. Which explained what had brought Ikkaku to a dimly lit bar, hiding behind a menu. Since Yumichika was still not alone, he was stuck watching as the new 5th Division Captain (whom he still wanted to get a feel for) and Lieutenant Ayasegawa Yumichika toasted their promotions.

"It's so unfair!" Yumichika lamented. "I wasn't supposed to be introduced for another month!"

"You are complaining about being promoted early?"

Yumichika waved his hand dismissively. "No, no! Not _when _I was promoted but _how_ I was promoted. I didn't have the chance to prepare. One minute I was planning my speech and the next I'm shoved into a room full of Captains, getting a Lieutenant's badge shoved at me. So undignified! On top of that, I didn't even get to do my speech!"

Miyake laughed. "Yes, but you got to see the look on Kira Izuru's face when they announced you were replacing him."

"That was slightly gratifying," Yumichika admitted. "Still, I must have looked a fright."

Miyake Taichou rolled her eyes. "A bad day for you is a good day for most. It's a shame you weren't around to see his reaction when my Lieutenant was introduced."

"Matsumoto filled me in. No wonder they brought me in early. What an irritating man," Yumichika rolled his eyes is disgust. He was quiet a moment, silently debating whether he should voice his opinion. "As much as I would hate to agree with Kira, I know that the girl is no leader but I have to say, neither is Hanatarou Yamada."

"He has some untapped power in him. More than anyone gives him credit for. He has no hidden agenda and I like the idea of moulding him," Miyake Taichou smiled. "Besides, it certainly doesn't hurt to have a skilled medic as your right hand man on the battlefield."

"I can't argue with that but you will have your work cut out for you. I wish you both luck."

"He doesn't need luck. He just needs a little confidence. But, that is for me to worry about. Tonight we are here to toast our new positions. Where is Hisagi? Wasn't he going to join us as well?"

Yumichika chuckled. "From the way Renji was looking at him, I doubt we'll be seeing him tonight."

"Renji? Which one is he?"

"The redhead with the tattoos."

"Ah, yes. Hisagi has good taste."

"Speaking of taste, didn't Hisagi san looked delicious in that haori?"

Miyake hummed in agreement then picked up the Lieutenant's badge Yumichika had lain on the tabletop in front of him. "How will you wear this?"

"I haven't thought of it. I've been running around so much over the past few months that I haven't even had time to think about my appearance."

"Really?" Miyake sounded unconvinced.

"Well," Yumichika admitted, "Not so much as usual. The only adornments I still have are these feathers."

"I was meaning to ask about that. Why would someone as beautiful as you even need adornments?"

Yumichika touched the feathers gingerly. A wave of nostalgia seemed to flit across his features. He had known for some time that he would have to stop wearing them. He had delayed the decision for as long as he could but now the time had come.

Then he plucked them off and lay them on the table with the utmost care. With a fond smile, he slid them across the table.

"You're right," he said. "New beginnings dictate a new look and a trip to the market..."

A sudden commotion outside the pub caught their attention. Miyake Taichou was first through the door.

Ikkaku glanced out the window and caught sight of Hanatarou Yamada sitting in the dirt, three burly 5th Division officers looming over him. Hanatarou looked like a trapped animal and his drunken bullies found the look delightful. Ikkaku couldn't hear what was being said but Miyake Taichou was suddenly in the midst of the officers. She only spoke a few words, all delivered in a calm controlled manner but the officers immediately fell onto their knees, grovelling in apology. A single command sent them scurrying down the street and Hanatarou pulled himself to his feet with a goofy grin.

Hanatarou's eyes shone with admiration and he opened his mouth to express his gratitude. The words died on his lips when Miyake Taichou turned to face him. She was furious. She was furious at _him_.

"I chose you to be my Lieutenant," she was yelling now so even from his discreet table, Ikkaku could hear her words clearly. "Act like it!"

Hanatarou apologized profusely but Miyake turned on her heels and headed back inside.

"Forgive me, Yumichika. It seems that my Fukutaichou needs an immediate lesson in etiquette."

Yumichika smiled indulgently. "Good luck," he teased.

Miyake rolled her eyes, had a word with the bartender and left with her Lieutenant nervously trailing behind her.

Yumichika sat alone, drinking his sake in silent thought.

* * *

For the first time since Yumichika's return, Ikkaku paused in his tumultuous thoughts to simply observe the man. He looked... beautiful, Ikkaku thought, although that was nothing new. Yumichika's appearance however was certainly new. Ikkaku noticed, maybe for the first time, that Yumichika was not wearing his orange collar and cuff. Maybe that wasn't so shocking since he hadn't been back to collect another one from his wardrobe. But without it, and now that he had laid aside his feathers, he didn't look very much like the Yumichika Ikkaku had grown accustomed to.

His hair was longer as well, just a little lower than his shoulders, the long strands kept out of his face with a elegant comb. Yumichika's hair had changed dozens of times over the course of their years together but this length was somewhat at odds. It was flawless in it's current state but if Ikkaku knew anything about Yumichika he guessed that the man's hair was in between stages. Yumichika must have had an idea of what he wanted to do with his hair but it wasn't quite there yet. No wonder he had been so peeved about his early announcement. He had probably wanted to look so breathtakingly beautiful when he was announced that people would have to look twice to confirm that it was indeed Yumichika himself.

Ikkaku couldn't help but smile at the thought. Yumi looked gorgeous no matter what he did.

He missed it, Ikkaku did. He missed running his fingers through that silken hair, missed the scent, missed the sigh as Yumi simply melted into his touch.

"Are you going to sit there all night or are you going to join me?" Yumichika said aloud even though his gaze fell on nothing in particular.

It took a moment for Ikkaku to realize that Yumi was talking to him. Figured. He sucked at hiding his reiatsu anyway, not that he'd ever needed a reason to before. He dropped his menu on the table and walked over to where Miyake Taichou had abandoned her seat.

Yumichika poured him a drink as he sat down.

"Not like you to spy," Yumichika remarked.

"Shit happens," Ikkaku answered.

Well, there Yumichika was, alive and well and beautiful right in front of him and all the questions that had been whirling around Ikkaku's head all day just slipped away. Right now, he couldn't care less where Yumichika had been or what he had been doing. Right now, all that mattered was that Yumichika was here.

"Have you lost weight?" Yumichika asked suddenly.

"I don't know," Ikkaku sneered. Like he cared about his weight.

"You don't seem as robust as I remember."

Ikkaku shrugged slightly annoyed. This was what Yumichika had to say to him after so many months?

"What about you? Where the hell have you been?"

"Around," Yumichika said lightly.

"The hell you have," Ikkaku snapped. "You just fuck off and leave all of a sudden, then you show up again alive and..."

"Alive? You thought I was dead?" Yumichika asked incredulously.

"What the hell else was I supposed to think? That messenger came by, then Ichigo with your torn collar and nobody could find your reiatsu. What the hell else could it mean?"

"Wait, wait, wait. Did you think that I was killed by that hollow?"

Ikkaku didn't answer. He was pissed and it felt like he was repeating himself over and over. He gripped the edge of the table in an attempt to calm his boiling rage.

"You thought I was killed by a hollow?" Yumichika repeated carefully, his words slow and cautious. "You thought a low level, meek hollow like that could hurt _me_? Do you even know me?"

"NO!" Ikkaku growled. "I don't think I know you at all!"

"We're drawing attention," Yumichika said. He stood and dropped a few notes on the table. "Come."

They walked out into the night with no direction in particular but it seemed that their feet lead them towards a sparsely wooded area away from prying eyes. They stood in silence for some time, observing each other, collecting their thoughts. Ikkaku was the first to speak.

"Well," he demanded, as if he had asked a question.

"Well, what?" Yumichika answered. "What do you want to know?"

"Where the hell have you been?"

* * *

So, there it is. Thoughts and comments are welcome and please give your love to Jenrr since without her help, this chapter would still be in the works.

I am giving myself a deadline of 2 weeks for the next chapter. It's kinda realistic... Fingers crossed.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Once again a great big thank you to the best beta ever. Jenrr you are amazing!  
Thank you as well to all the people who reviewed and are still putting up with the ridiculous wait times it takes between chapters. Hope you're not disappointed.

* * *

Paperwork and drama. The two things that Ikkaku hated the most and those were exactly the two things that were consuming his life at the moment.

During the day, it was paperwork. Was this how the rest of his days in the 11th Division would be spent? Now that Yumichika was in the 3rd, Ikkaku would be stuck pushing paperwitha bunch of idiots who couldn't manage a decent report. Hell, some of them could barely manage their hiragana and katakana. Heaven forbid some Kanji be thrown into the mix.

Ikkaku couldn't even remember the last time he had sparred. It was grating on his nerves but he knew better than to bitch about it to Kenpachi. An irritable Captain stuck behind a mountain of paperwork meant a world of pain for the entire division. Yachiru would get bored within a few minutes and transform the documents into a parade of origami animals, which would ultimately bring the load to Ikkaku. He was doomed no matter what.

He felt like a drone. Like those idiots in suits he'd seen in the real world. Walking corpses they were, overstressed and panicked. They made Ikkaku glad he was dead. He didn't want to even think of what his life would be like if he lived in this era of the human world. Maybe Taichou would make an exception. Maybe he would allow one of those weak pencil pushing types into the Division to tackle the mountain of documents accumulating in the main office. It was a stretch but even if it was dangerous to ask, Ikkaku was willing to risk his neck for the sake of his sanity.

But that would have to wait until tomorrow, the sun was already beginning to sink behind the horizon. Ikkaku got to his feet and stretched, his back popping back into place in three different spots. He was starved and tired. Although there was nothing he wanted more than to drown his sorrows in sake, he knew it wouldn't solve anything. Shit, the drama was affecting his drinking... But,it wasn't any fun drinking without Yumichika anyway.

As he wandered home, his thoughts kept returning to the night before and the stilted conversation with the man he had shared most of his afterlife with. Still, despite the awkwardness, some things were made clear. In order to become Lieutenant, Yumichika had spent the better part of the past few months being tested and challenged. The Gotei wasn't kidding around. Yumichika had been under constant surveillance. They didn't want an average Lieutenant, they wanted exceptional leaders. The day of the encounter with Ichigo and the hollow, Yumichika had scored major points by concealing his reiatsu and retreating far and fast enough that the scouts sent after him were left in the dust.

Yumichika had needed to be discreet over the past few months. Ikkaku understood that. He did. It made perfect sense that Yumichika would have kept a low profile but there was a difference between a low profile and disappearing without a bloody trace! The very thought brought Ikkaku's mood to a simmer. A note, a simple, _I'm going to work on something for a few months_ would have been fucking nice!

He's scowling and he knows it. He's also stomping. If Ikkaku had not been aware of it, the way the officers hurriedly parted to let him by would have been a dead giveaway but fuck, he was pissed! Yumichika could be such a damn hypocrite sometimes. He had been so pissed when Ikkaku had left on a 2 day mission once without telling him. 2 days! And he hadn't even had a choice in the matter then.

Bristling with anger, Ikkaku stomped the last few steps towards his front door, which he had every intention of ripping from it's frame. It was reckless and unpractical but breaking something sure as hell sounded good at the moment. Fortunately for the door, something, or rather someone sat huddled before the very door Ikkaku had evil intention towards.

"Kira?"

The huddled shinigami lifted his head from between his crossed arms. Ikkaku felt his earlier anger dissipate but as he looked into the teary miserable face of the disgraced ex-lieutenant, a sullen annoyance began to brew inside of him.

_You, no crying in my division._

The words rangthrough his thoughts suddenly. Kenpachi had said the words to him the previous morning even though Ikkaku hadn't been crying. Things could get ugly if Zaraki Taichou walked by and saw Kira in his current state.

Fuck his life! As soon as the paperwork was done, the drama began.

With a mental roll of the eyes, Ikkaku invited Kira in and offered him a cup of tea. The sooner Kira calmed down, Ikkaku thought, the sooner he would leave and Ikkaku could turn his attention to breaking things.

Kira, however, had other plans. Ikkaku's proffered cup of tea was taken as an invitation for discussion and as soon as the first sip had been swallowed, Kira began regaling Ikkaku with the events of his day.

Somewhere in the flustered flurry of words and sobs that would have gone unheeded, Ikkaku picked up one word of interest. Yumichika. Kira was complaining about Yumichika.

"What happened?" Ikkaku interrupted.

For a second time, Kira misunderstood. The question had been the very first words uttered to him since Ikkaku had originally offered him tea. Although he was a tad annoyed by the interruption, Kira retold the story, glad despite himself that Ikkaku seemed to be taking an interest in him.

Earlier that day, Kira, a little at sorts, made his way to the main office where he had spent most of his time. Yumichika had greeted him kindly. A little too kindly and Kira had been suspicious. A few moments later, sitting on the guest chair next to Unohana Taichou, who was also present, Kira was presented with a choice. He could either go to the 4th where he would be offered the 7th seat that had been recently vacated by Lieutenant Yamada or if he felt the desire to be loyal to his Division, he was invited to stay although as an unseated officer, since all positions, save Captain, were currently occupied.

Once he was done with his tale, Kira turned to Ikkaku was sad, vulnerable eyes.

Ikkaku scratched his head in confusion. It sounded like a pretty good offer to him.

"Can you believe it?" Kira asked, after a few moments.

"Um... So what did you decide?" Ikkaku asked, staring at the wall clock with sudden interest.

"Nothing yet but..."

"Maybe you should go back and sleep on it," Ikkaku cut in.

He was becoming more and more irritated by Kira's presence. He had far more pressing things whirling around in his head right now. He knew that Kira had helped him out in his time of need but he was also aware that there was nothing he could say to make Kira feel better. The man was beyond helping. If he couldn't even stand up for himself, there was nothing Ikkaku or anyone else could do for him.

"Excuse me?"

"You know, Kira, it's been a long day. Why don't you go home and sleep on this?"

"How can I? I don't even have a room anymore!"

"Where do unseated officers sleep?"

"In the bunks! I can't sleep there."

"Why not?"

Kira looked at him desperately, "Can't I sleep here?"

"No," Ikkaku said then cursed mentally. "I mean, it's not a good idea."

"You're going to kick me out? After all we've been through?"

"All we've been through? What the hell are you talking about?"

"So all this time, I've just been an available body?"

"Kira," Ikkaku said pinching the bridge of his nose. "You knew that from the beginning. I told you that and you said you understood."

"I wonder what Yumichika would think about all this," Kira stated defiantly.

"Are you threatening me?"

"You wouldn't want him to know, would you?"

Ikkaku shook his head and chuckled. "Yumichika already knows."

"What?"

"He was right about you," Ikkaku laughed.

"What did he say? He's lying! He's out to destroy me, you saw it! He attacked me with his sword and drained me of my energy. He's manipulating you!"

"So go talk to him about it. You're not going to use me to get back at him."

"I'm not! I... I thought we had something."

Ikkaku sighed. "We don't. Listen, my day has been really fucked up..."

"So has mine!"

"That's what I'm saying. We both need to go to sleep."

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"I don't know! I don't care! Don't you have friends?"

"I thought I did," Kira said tearfully. He shoved past Ikkaku and walked out into the night.

Ikkaku could only sigh in relief. He brought his tea cup to his mouth and took a gulp. Yuck, it was cold. Whatever, he needed something stronger anyway. He pulled out a bottle from the cabinet and settled down at the table. He considered for a moment using his tea cup but opted instead for drinking straight from the bottle. Using a cup was something Yumichika had instilled in him. He wasn't sure how or when it had happened but he was a lot more... well refined for a lack of a better word, than he was before he had met Yumi.

The sake burned smoothly on the way down and Ikkaku sighed. The stress of the day was fading with every swallow but there was a downside to drinking alone. When he was at a pub or drinking with Yumichika, there were always conversations to distract him from his thoughts. No such luck this time. His mind kept flitting back to the night before, to the things he and Yumichika had said, what he had discovered and all the new questions those discoveries conjured. Among the mess, two things stood out the most in his mind.

The first, Taichou knew. Zaraki Taichou not only knew where Yumichika had been all this time but he had recommended him for Lieutenant. WTF? Ikkaku had the brief thought of confronting him but what would he say? Why didn't you tell me Yumichika was leaving? That sounded lame. It wasn't Kenpachi's place to inform him of the whereabouts of his lover and if he had wanted to, what would he have said? Yumichika might be going to the 3rd? That would have been worse. Ikkaku would have thrown a fit even before Yumichika managed to get the position. The more he thought about it the more he realized it was probably Yumichika who had requested the secrecy.

Yumichika loved the spotlight but he was very smart about it. He didn't brag about his achievements unless he had already accomplished them. Ikkaku could take a little credit for that. He had instilled that in his lover. He had dismissed most of Yumichika's early boasts in the Rukongai. Every time Yumichika had mastered one skill, he had started strutting around like a peacock and so Ikkaku had tossed another challenge at him. Good thing Yumichika was a quick learner. He didn't boast often about his skill, only when he was certain he had pushed the boundaries of his strength but instead he had redoubled his boasting about his beauty. Ikkaku didn't have a argument for that and Yumichika knew it.

Ikkaku smiled at the thought. Good times. They had been through so much. He still remembered what it felt like to fall in love. He remembered fighting the feeling despite the high he felt when Yumichika peered up coyly at him from beneath his lashes. Yumichika's beauty was breathtaking on its own, but it was his strength and determination that had Ikkaku on his knees. He had never met anyone who could slice through a gang of uncouth villagers one moment then make a show of slowly pinning up his hair and exposing the pale skin of his nape like it was the sexiest thing in Soul Society. By all logic, Ikkaku had known it was just the back of Yumi's neck but watching the water lap around his shoulders and the drops travel down his spine was sure as hell the sexiest thing he had ever seen. It remained to this day one of Ikkaku's favorite things about Yumichika. He loved brushing Yumi's hair aside and trailing his fingers from the hairline down between the shoulder blades, into the dip of his lower back...

That brought to mind the second thing that bothered him most about last night. Yumichika had been acting rather strange. Every time Ikkaku had reached out to him, Yumi had subtly moved out of the way. The first time Ikkaku had let it go, but it had gone on all through their conversation. Yumi even avoided Ikkaku when a strand of hair fell into his eyes. Naturally, Ikkaku had reached out to brush it away, as he always did, but Yumi had taken half a step back and brushed it away himself. In all the time they had been together, Yumi had never pulled away from him. Never.

What was Yumi's problem? Was it because of the Kira thing? It couldn't be. They had talked about the Kira thing. Ikkaku had asked directly.

* * *

_The night before..._

_"What's your deal with Kira, anyway?" Ikkaku demanded. "After all the centuries we've been together, you choose Kira to be jealous of?"_

_Yumichika sneered in disdain. "I wasn't jealous. I was angry."_

_"Why? I thought you were friends."_

_"He used kidou to knock me out."_

_"When?"_

_"After the column you were guarding was destroyed."_

_Oh. It all made sense now. It wasn't about jealousy at all. _

_Kira had made a critical error. Not only did he have the audacity to stand between them but he had stepped on Yumichika's pride in the process. Yumi had spent centuries balancing his appearance with the potency of his strength. He very rarely displayed his vulnerabilities. No one in the 11th did, it was part of the code. Fight like a warrior or die trying. Yumichika had taken it to heart even more than the rest of the division. The only__,__ only, exception and it happened very seldom, was when he was worried about Ikkaku. Kira had intercepted him in a moment of weakness, not only that, he had used Kidou and attacked from behind. No wonder Yumi had been furious. If Kira had challenged him head on,__he could have saved himself from Yumichika's wrath. _

_"I didn't know that," Ikkaku said lamely._

_"Of course you didn't," Yumichika laughed. "Like he would let you in on that part of the story while trying to sink his claws into you."_

_Ikkaku shifted on his feet. "You know..."_

_"Yes," Yumi said calmly. "I know."_

_"Shit, it didn't take long for you to catch up on gossip," Ikkaku remarked with irritation._

_"It's not gossip if it's true."_

_Ikkaku huffed and looked away guiltily._

_"How was he?" Yumichika asked with a smile._

_Ikkaku shrugged._

_"That memorable, hmm?" _

_"He was there!" Ikkaku snapped. "It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't disappeared all of a sudden."_

_"So it was my fault?" Yumichika asked._

_"Yes... No. That's not..."_

_"It's alright, I understand."_

_Of course he did. Yumichika always understood him. Ikkaku was somewhat surprised at how dismissive Yumi was being about this whole thing. But then again, Kira had never really been competition and now that Yumi held his place as Lieutenant, Kira had become next to invisible in__Yumichika's eyes._

_"It's late. I have to get up early tomorrow," Yumichika said. "So much to do. You should see the state of things in the 3rd. It's revolting. Not a touch of class or elegance anywhere."_

_"I'm sure you'll fix that."_

_"Of course! I have an entire Division at my disposal. The 3rd will be sparkling by the time I'm through with it."_

_Ikkaku snorted at the idea of the disgruntled officers of the 3rd reduced to scrubbing and polishing. He also knew the wrath they would face if they dared to argue. He didn't envy them at all. _

_"See you," Yumichika called as he headed off towards the 3rd. _

_Ikkaku was having none of that. He grabbed Yumi by the arm and yanked him flush against his chest. As he crushed their mouths together Yumichika stiffened momentarily but soon melted into the touch and the hard kiss turned tender and sweet. There, that confirmed some things hadn't changed. Some things were constant. Their belonging to one another was one of them._

_Or so he thought.  
_  
_Yumichika pulled away slowly, his hands resting on Ikkaku's chest, his eyes still closed. He licked his lips and sighed gently as if he was quietly willing the moment to last just a little longer._

_As he opened his eyes, he seemed to regain his composure._

_"Goodnight, Madarame-san," Yumichika smiled._

_He walked off without another word as a stunned and confused Ikkaku stood, watching him disappear into the night._

_Madarame-san? _

_

* * *

_

So now Yumi was alive and well and home, sort of, but Ikkaku was no better off. He tossed Hozukimaru onto the futon and began to undress. Now he didn't know where they stood which was disconcerting. Wait a minute! He snatched the sword back off the futon and growled at it.

"You told me he was dead!"

"You never asked me if he was dead," Hozukimaru answered lazily. "You asked if you had lost him."

"That's the same thing!"

"No it isn't. He's alive and he's not yours anymore."

Ikkaku dropped the sword again. It had NEVER even crossed his mind that he and Yumichika might break up. It was just such an absurd thought. After the centuries they had spent together, they fit, they were partners, they belonged together.

Had Yumichika changed his mind? Had their argument been the last straw? No. It couldn't have been. Yumichika had kissed him back. The air still crackled between them even if Yumi was being distant. He wasn't playing hard to get because Ikkaku knew Yumichika's teases well and this was not one of them. Yumi was serious about this. These changes. They were in different divisions, they wouldn't live together anymore, they wouldn't sleep together anymore, Ikkaku would have to see Yumichika every day and know that he was not a part of Yumi's life. That was worse than Yumi being dead. That wouldn't do at all and there was no way in hell Ikkaku planned on letting Yumichika make that decision all by himself.

* * *

The sun had barely risen over the horizon and Ikkaku was ready to start the day. He marched purposefully towards Kenpachi's office. He had spent the entire night thinking about this and he'd made up his mind. Without bothering to knock, he let himself in and faced his yawning Taichou.

"I want to be a captain," Ikkaku declared.

"It's about time," Kenpachi replied.

He got out of his seat and Yachiru hoped onto her perch on his shoulder. She was grinning happily. Kenpachi walked by Ikkaku and started down the hall towards the dojo.

"Let's test that bankai of yours," he said over his shoulder.

Ikkaku stood rooted to the spot.

"You knew?"

Kenpachi had reached the threshold of the dojo. He slid the door open and without bothering to look back, he called out to his 3rd Seat.

"You gonna stand there and gape or are you going to fight?"

* * *

In the 3rd Division, while the officers begrudgingly scrubbed and polished every centimetre of the Division, Yumichika Fukutaichou and Miyake Katsumi Taichou of the 5th were flipping through large bundles of fabric and paint swatches. Yumichika had managed to narrow the fabric choices down to two that he liked best. He drapped them over the sofa and turned to ask Miyake Taichou for her opinion when there came a soft knock on the door.

"Come in," Yumichika called.

Newly unseated officer Kira Izuru walked in, looking ready and determined to make an announcement. His determination quickly shifted to confusion.

"What's going on?"

Yumichika, glad for an extra pair of hands, plopped a pile of design catalogues and samples in his arms.

"Be a dear and bring these to Nori-san. He's... somewhere. He knows what to do with them."

It was clear that Kira was upset with the changes but he wisely decided not to say a thing. He already felt like he was on bad terms with Miyake Taichou after the... confrontation about her choice of Lieutenant. He had come with a purpose so it was best to get to the point.

"Yumichika," Kira began.

"Is that how you address your Lieutenant?" Miyake interjected sharply.

So much for avoiding further confrontation.

"I apologize. Ayasegawa... Fukutaichou, I have made my decision. I would like to go to the 4th."

The fabric swatch at the very top of the pile was suddenly very interesting. It was many different shades of purple and Kira suddenly wished he could hide beneath it. It looked very soft. He had been bracing himself all morning for this. Yumichika had won. As much as he hated to admit it, Yumichika had made a fool out of him. He had taken his position, his Division, Ikkaku... even if Ikkaku was never his to begin with.

"I expected as much," Yumichika said picking up a file from his desk and dropping it atop of Kira's wobbly pile. "The paperwork is already filled out. Unohana Taichou is expecting you. Send her my regards."

Kira stared at the file then ventured to look up at his rival. He had been expecting more gloating, more laughter, more ridicule. The last thing he had expected was indifference but Yumichika had already returned his attentions to his fabric swatches. Was he planning something? It certainly didn't seem like it, but it was hard to tell with Yumichika.

"Do your best in your new division," Miyake said.

For the first time since they had met, the voice she was using to address him was kind and sincere. What was going on? Kira wasn't expecting this at all. He would have preferred if Yumichika had lashed out but this graciousness was even more insulting. Was he really not even worth the anger?

"I slept with Ikkaku," Kira said.

Miyake and Yumichika paused in their designing to look at the disgraced officer.

"I know," Yumichika said.

"Private affairs should not be hashed out in the workplace," Miyake Taichou added.

Kira face burned red. "Aren't you angry?"

"What's done is done," Yumichika said with a smile that dripped with pity. "Let's put it behind us and get on with our lives, shall we?"

With his jaw clenched, his face red and his arms clinging fiercely to the bundle, Kira walked out of the office, without another word. Yumichika watched him go with a shake of his head.

"Such manners. He didn't even bid us farewell."

"He's not your problem anymore. At least you can check one thing off of your list," Katsumi said.

"My list, I had forgotten about that. Where did I put it?" Yumichika went over to his desk and brushed some paint swatches out of the way. He flipped open his planner and pulled out a neatly folded list. "Seems like I wrote this such a long time ago."

Katsumi Taichou walked over and picked it out of Yumichika's hand. She sat down in Yumi's chair and pulled out his pen.

"Let's see here. 1 - Train to become stronger..."

"Not yet."

"Really, I would have checked that. You're much stronger than when I first met you."

"Yesterday I would have checked it."

"But?"

"Ikkaku thought I was dead."

"Excuse me?"

"He heard that the scouts couldn't find my reiatsu and thought I was killed. By a hollow!"

"I don't know anything about him other than what you've told me but in his defense, I doubt that he wanted to believe you were dead."

"Regardless, it's unforgivable. I will make sure no one ever makes such a ridiculous assumption again."

"Checking it doesn't mean you stop trying."

"Next?" Yumichika said impatiently.

"2- Grow out hair," Katsumi said with a roll of the eyes.

"Not yet," Yumi said, mournfully toying with his locks. "It would have been grown out and perfect if Kira hadn't been so insipid."

"3- Rise in rank. Check."

"Yes, that one is safe to check."

"4- Attain materialization."

"Getting closer. Rui'iro Kujaku is much happier now that I am no longer hiding his strength."

"Naturally. I'm sure he can't wait to showcase his strengths."

"If that's the case, I don't see what's taking him so long."

"He's probably punishing you for hiding him all these years."

"That wouldn't surprise me. He's such a narcissist."

Katsumi chuckled but carried on.

"5- Knock Kira down a few pegs."

"Check," Yumichika said with a satisfied smirk. "I think that one deserves a star."

"Agreed. 6- Look ravishing... check."

Yumi laughed.

"One can never stop trying to look their best. It's an ongoing effort."

"Perhaps we should take a break from paints and fabrics," Katsumi suggested. "Perhaps take a look at sashes and accessories instead."

"Is that all I had on my list?" Yumichika asks.

Miyake Taichou skimmed the list once again. "7- Make sure Ikkaku is paying attention."

"Check although not in the way I planned."

"Sounds like a good story."

"I kissed him last night. Well, he kissed me but I... I let myself get swept up in the moment. I lost myself in his strong arms, his warmth, the firm press of his chest against mine..." Yumichika licked his lips as he had the night before, the memory still vivid in his mind. "Anyhow, he is definitely paying attention."

* * *

AN: So it's been brought to my attention that I have been neglecting Yumichika lately and I can only defend that by saying that it was for Ikkaku's sake. Everyone was quick to blame him at first and it made me a little defensive of him. Anyhow, the next chapter will be focused on Yumichika. Ta!


End file.
